Dear Viewer, I initially wrote this as a guide for a young online friend, but have phrased it here in a manner that I would hope is suitable for all . I share this with you since the opportunity for online love is something that so many onliners face at every turn. I invite your comments. I felt especially rewarded by the e-mail from a reader in Florida who wrote sometime after finding this article on the internet to tell me she had applied these rules and that as a result she was getting married the following month. It is always nice to be appreciated.

 

I.

An Instant Message is not a marriage proposal. Hi is hi and bye is bye. Do not hesitate to IM someone whose profile you like, or to respond to an instant message if it is not a crude come on. Remember that the online experience is enriched by the fact that we can talk to others. The computer is just like a telephone in that sense. There was a time when people could only meet in the marketplace or at church or at work or on the street, but the fact that we now have this medium does not mean that we should cling to the old view that we have to be looking at the person's face or figure before we can talk to them. There was a time when even the telephone was considered impersonal and today we cannot live without it because it is such a useful and valuable time-saving tool. If anything, those of us who are not that physically appealing should be glad that maybe someone somewhere can consider us as thinking people before they think of us as sexual objects. I am delighted that from the safety of a computer desk even the most shy person can reach out and touch or be touched by someone. The question that naturally arises along with this newfound power, of course, is whether or not the contact is worthwhile. Regardless of whether you initiate or receive an instant message, the following thoughts should serve you well.

 

II.

Keeping a scanned picture and asking for or offering the same is good manners. Otherwise you are only a series of words associated with a screen name. So if your name is Jane or Joe and you call yourself Lan74291, for example [and that is not a real screen name as far as I know], the other person has images of some kind of camera or car or some other thing and not of a real live human being. If you say that you do not have a scanned picture because you have not had either the time or the money to obtain one, then you are revealing that you do not care to let other people know what you look like or that you prefer to spend your money on cokes or cigarettes or junk food. It is not expensive at all to get a scanned picture. You don't have to plunk down a hundred bucks for a scanner or take a course on how to do it. Just go to your local Kinko's and the guys there will help you out for less than you might realize. At the very least, if you are new to computing or just came out of a cave, at least offer a word picture of what you look like since that will cost you nothing and can save the other person the mental gymnastics of having to imagine what is probably not accurate about your looks. And please be realistic and modest, since it is better to someday surprise the person with good looks than to face mutual disappointment because your image was exaggerated. That also means keep your pictures as current as possible. If you simply do not care for human contact, online services such as America Online allow for you to block all instant messages from anybody and you can then focus on whatever important business you prefer over human contact. Your online profile is a cue to others about whether or not you desire contact, and if you keep none you will also remain invisible. So if you want anybody to notice you exist, make sure you keep relevant information about yourself in your profile and that you use keywords. Words such as "athlete" or "model" will attract a different kind of instant message than words such as "teacher" or "woodworker". In fact, make it a point to list random words that describe your interests just in case someone is searching under those key words. There could be someone in your very town whom you have never met that has worlds in common with you but you would never know except for the online experience.

III.

If the other person seems to have no brain or is not coming across well then try talking again another time. Sometimes the guy or the girl is just sitting at the computer after a long day and is not at their physical or mental best. You may be in the office or at home in super-alert mode and they might be in their bathrobe after sleeping half the day or after partying all night. Or you might have met 

 

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superman or wonder woman in the midst of such world shaking deals that they cannot at that moment give you enough attention as they might otherwise want to give you. It might be the love of your life at his or her worst moment when you make the contact. Yet because of time or typos or a computer problem you might never make it to the first phone call. Remember that people's moods also change and the person that is difficult today may be Prince or Princess Charming two weeks later. Do not let yourself be so flaky as to believe that the online contact at the other end is superficial just because they cannot talk to you at that moment or even have a chance to read your amazing profile.

 

IV.

If you reach the point where you feel comfortable about the other person's personality, do not hesitate to offer to make a telephone call to that person's home phone, especially if you are the girl and the telephone number is local and not a toll call. Guys, be careful to not appear too eager to make that call. You will know when the time is right because it will come from both of you. Girls, do not get in the habit of giving your phone number too easily or you might do it out of habit rather than out of a genuinely natural response-offer instead to call him if he wants to call you and you think you half like the guy. Once on the phone you can better analyze the guy or girl by the tone of voice and how they express themselves. Remember that if by some miracle you were to like each other beyond friendship you are then listening to what you may be hearing for the rest of your life (or at least a goodly portion of it). If the person comes across as definitely not your type you have lost nothing but the cost of the call and your time. You may also have learned something about human nature in the process, and that will enrich you both no matter what. Try to not give your telephone number to anyone that you think is wacko or could get obsessed with you. Just like in any other place, there are many people online who are not in total touch with reality and they could easily fall in love with you just because you were kind to them. If you are one of these and you meet another then you have nobody else but yourselves to thank or blame, and may the fates smile on your final outcome. If the first phone call does not go well, think of what I have said above and try again in about two weeks, since that is how long the human emotional cycle takes to switch around from one extreme to another. If that still does not work out then forget it and move on. You can say thanks for the contact and I will see you around. It may surprise you, but with a proper good-bye people can actually forget you exist and continue with their own version of what is the good life, even if in your opinion it is total misery without you. You don't have to pick a fight with someone to terminate contact, just ignore them or politely brush them off in the future. Psychologists call that "extinction", when one person keeps talking and the other is either silent or totally noncommittal, thus extinguishing the relationship. It is probably the nicest way to let someone know they need to move on.

 

V.

If you manage to find a decent human being at the other end of the phone line, then consider that you might eventually meet. Maybe you strike it so rich in your vein of understanding that you run off and meet for coffee immediately. Stranger things have happened under God's heaven. But as a rule try to refrain from a hasty and possibly tragic meeting by making sure you meet in public and not at his or her house. Be sensible and use your head. Do not think with your lower half, and that includes the stomach. The promise of easy sex or a free meal has been the undoing of many a man and many a woman. Try to meet but not for a date. Since when does it make sense to date a stranger? Blind dates are nothing but blind, and as the scripture says, if the blind lead the blind they will both fall into a ditch. If you are the girl be considerate enough to carry your own money and get yourself to where you are meeting on your own wheels, that way if you decide you need to leave you are free and able to do so without being in a position of weakness. Many men will feel that you owe them something if you act like you want them to drive you and pay your way from the beginning. Do not take advantage of anybody or you may find yourself in trouble when you least expect it. If you are the guy, then be man enough and sensible enough to tell the girl that you are not asking for a date just because she or you want to meet, and that you insist on going Dutch. Do, of course, out of gentlemanly instinct, reserve the right to pick up the tab and do not be too surprised if some nice liberated lady fights you for the ticket. Sometimes you have to let them do it just to let them prove a point. Still, remember that you never know what you might meet on a blind date. The girl may turn out to be  a gold-digger who just 

 

© 1998, 2005 Vicente Reyes   

All Rights Reserved 

 

wants a night on the town on your pocketbook, or worse-she could be a serial robber. Or she may turn out to not look anything like what she said or what her picture said. She may have aged ten years and gained 30 lbs. since the photo. Never expect a beauty and you will never be disappointed. Remember also that as the saying goes, a woman scorned is a dangerous thing. No matter how disappointed you are please be polite and try to spend a bit of time with her. You do not have to hold her hand or be romantic in person even if you were magically involved online. Her perfume may be like acid in your nostrils but situate yourself upwind and you will survive. The idea is to not hurt her feelings and not appear callous. You never know. She may have a friend or a cousin that is destined to be the love of your life, so try to at least salvage a friendship. If on the other hand she is Ms. Perfect but doesn't find you to be Mr. Right, then accept it with grace. You can't win them all, and there will be another beauty that will be good with you. Do not try to make something out of nothing. If she has made a mistake in meeting you she might not tell you that if she is nice, so be grateful for that at least. You will score the highest points if you make sure you are as clean as possible in your physical, mental, and verbal approach toward her. And that means make sure you shower. And if you later do decide to date: guys, pick up the tab-and girls, powder your nose.

 

VI.

If you make it past the first meeting and become friends but not lovers you can pat yourself on the back at the treasure you have found. "Always friends - never lovers" is a motto you can live by and years later you will be glad you did. If she ever calls you in the middle of the night because she had a flat tire you will feel good inside knowing you can help. If he ever calls and says he needs your advice on dealing with a special situation you will be glad to be of help as well. It has even happened that love flowers long after the seed was considered dead and lost forever. Do not rush anything. Remember that even the sun that crawls across the heavens has been the measure for centuries of human existence, and by all our weeping and moaning and laughter we will not make a rose bloom any faster than she will. And you will not move the sun any faster no matter how hard you press your high heels to the ground either.

 

VII.

If you do become lovers, consider marriage. Marriage is a word that can sound like a bitter pill to the never before married as well as to the once or twice or thrice married. Yet it is the most beautiful thing between man and woman. It is the foundation of our civilization. It is the closest thing to heaven on earth that you will ever experience if you get involved with the right person. But do not be hasty. Not all boyfriend/girlfriend relationships will flower into marriage and not all should. People- especially young people- sometimes grow in different directions and sometimes saying good-bye and thanks for all the good times is the best thing you can do to avoid killing each other later in divorce court. Live long and prosper, as they say in a famous movie show, even if it means alone or with somebody else. There are five billion human beings on earth right now, and if one does not treat you right then there will be another. Do not stay in a relationship out of desperation or because you have some noble notion of loyalty. Why be loyal to a mistake? That is like insisting on keeping your feet in quicksand. If you feel yourself sinking you better get out of there and fast! The opposite can happen as well, though. You may be involved with someone who is good for you but you do not see it. You will run from firm ground and then you will feel yourself sinking as you head straight into the quagmire of an egotistical trip. Consider that maybe you are wrong and at fault about the matter. If your partner is good for you then why run from it? Remember that as the old saying goes, the grass is always looking greener on the other side. Sometimes it is because there is more manure in that pasture and you will find yourself butting heads with one big bullheaded creature who may impale you and run you over. Be cautious and be practical. Even in your darkest hour you will find that the light of love will lead you in the right direction, but it has to be the love of giving and not the love of receiving. Let that be your guiding force from the beginning and you will be just fine.

 

Dallas, Texas

July 24, 1998

 

Modern Love Poetry  by Vicente Reyes

 

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